Episode 1: “Little Green Eggs and Men” – Sponsored by Amoeba Spa
Episode 2: “No Longer Supported” – Sponsored by Oogie Boogie’s Candy Crush
You could take it to the office and dump it in the breakroom but now that you’re working from home, the breakroom is your kitchen.
Introducing Oogie Boogie’s Candy Crush. The OBCC takes your sack of sweets and converts it into your very own Oogie Boogie doll. It dances and sings, and will entertain your children for hours. No batteries required, just put it down in front of your children and let the fun begin. You say you don’t have children. Not to fret, it is also animal appropriate. Simply lock it in a room with any pet you spouse brought home and that pesky pet will find a way out, never to be seen again.
Warning! Do not use the Oogie Boogie doll within 30 days of Christmas. Side effects include Oogie Boogie kidnaping and torturing Santa. We highly recommend locking it away into a dark, dark basement unless you really, really, need to unleash it.
Oogie Boogie’s Candy Crush. Found on the dusty shelf of a forgotten second hand surplus store near your.
Episode 4: “The Guardrails First Thanksgiving” – Sponsored by Bevsfordt’s Delusion of Grandeur
Remember when you thought that you
Were leader of the Universe
And now they say that you are a jerk?
Well,
Two heads you thought would make you smart
You stole a ship that has a heart
Without a towel I think we’ll call you Dirk
And,
Side effects include believing you are a celebrity, an historical figure, or a deity. It is quite often found in people also diagnosed with schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder or even those with an over active imagination, but never those who have a lack of imagination. If you or someone you know is experiencing these delusions, it is important to seek professional medical or psychiatric help. Simply message us here at Bevsfordt’s Delusion of Grandeur. We have teams standing by to pick you up.
They’re coming to take you away, HaHa
They’re coming to take to away, HoHo,
And off you go
To the ROACH Hotel where constellations mark the doors
And Lava spreads where once were floors
And ghostly voices tell you more
Than you ever wanted to know
HaHa
Bevsfordt’s Delusion of Grandeur is the best way to resolve those holiday blues. After all, it isn’t a delusion if the Universe really does revolve around you.
Episode 5: “Christmas Dreaming” – Sponsored by Time De-tarnisher from Beckett Industries
Don’t let time travel tarnish impact your purchases anymore. All you need is a canister of Time De-tarnisher from Beckett Industries and one of our time travel pouches. To completely ward off time travel tarnish, it is simple; take your object and spray our time travel detarnisher on it, insert it into the bag and seal it shut.
You will be completely satisfied with your experience using time travel detarnisher or your 88 microcredits will be returned. Before your next quantum leap through time, get your own canister of detarnisher and protect all your purchases from the devastating effects of time.
Beckett Industries striving to serve all of your time travel needs. Happy time travels.
Episode 6: “A Day with Two Faces” – Sponsored by Bevsfordt’s Calculated Cocoa Life Chocolates!
That’s right, now Life is a box of premium chocolate treats made especially for you! And just how many chocolates do you get? Well, it all depends on how old you’re gonna be when you die! Here at Bevsfordt’s Calculated Cocoa Company we used the latest Time Transportal technologies to figure out just how many years are in your time line and fashion a custom box of our mouthwatering chocolates with exactly that many candies in it! But there’s more! Since this box represents your entire life, the individual truffles inside should do the very same thing. So each piece of our delicious candy is filled with the exact ingredients you have poured into your entire existence. Sure there are plenty of wonderful experiences – graduations, little league ballgames, falling in love for the first time! You’ll find all those sweet moments in your box of Life Chocolates. But that’s not all. Do the lies you tell on a daily basis taste bitter? Well just wait till you taste our ‘Karamel Karma Delight’. You’ll be gagging in no time. But don’t order yet – the best is yet to come! Buy a box of Life Premium Chocolates and you’ll also get a head’s up on just how many years you’ve got left which could be pretty depressing, but that’s okay, just have another chocolate! That’s why they’re here! So, run Forrest, run! And place your order today for a box of Bevsfordt’s Calculated Cocoa Life Chocolates! Before it’s… too late!
Episode 7: “Origin Story” – Sponsored by Cracklin’ Rosetta Stone
Your “Golden Ticket”, Your “Golden Compass”, Your “Golden Child” from the Eddie Murphy movie by the same name, Shoot, it would be your “Babble Fish” if babble fish were real! — What?
This is not a Beta! “Beta fish”! More like “Go Fish”
It’s not version 1. Never buy version 1 of anything. Too many bugs.
It’s not version 2.0. That is nothing but a silly marketing ploy.
It’s not version 3.14. No “Pi’s” here.
It’s not even 4.0 or 5 dot anything.
It is the all new, all knowing, all powerful, version 6! A true marvel of technology but without all the messiness of those finicky apps like Google Translate. No phone needed, no laptop, no tablet, not even a personal translator to follow you around. — Wha…at?
Cracklin’ Rosetta Stone is not an app. It is not an electronic device. It is… a “Stone”. Tha…at’s ri…ight! And like what David did for Goliath, we will implant that stone right between your eyes. Some call it a third eye, we call it Cracklin’ Rosetta Stone.
Once the stone has been inserted, you WILL hear, understand, and speak all languages.
Spanish? Si!,
French? Oui! Oui!,
Mandarin? Shì de!
German? Ja!
Swahili? Ndio!
Yiddish? Oy Vey!
Klingon? HIja’!
Cryptophasia? You know, twin speak. 6…7!
The only thing we can’t translate is your partner’s request, said while brushing their teeth, and expecting completion before you come to bed. — “You just aren’t listening to me.” Wha…at?
Cracklin’ Rosetta Stone is a rock, and will hurt when applied. The rock itself has not been tested, certified, or even washed. Any similarities to any other rocks you may find along the side of the road is purely coincidental.
Cracklin’ Rosetta Stone. The only thing better was to have paid attention in 9th grade Spanish.
Episode 13: “Come Van Helsing” – Sponsored by BRAT GPT
Need a clever comeback? Brat’s got it. Need a rockin’ putdown? Brat’s got it. Need to bully till you can’t bully no more? Well that’s not going to happen because Brat will take your bullying bat and knock a homerun every time and just keep going! So forget going to class, forget building a future, forget becoming a productive member of society, that’s just for nerds! Who needs a happy fulfilling life when you’ve got BRAT GPT!
For the cruel, for the selfish, for the wieners everywhere, Brat GPT. No one gets away with making you pay, except for us! Mommy and Daddy’s credit card required for signup and there is never a cancellation fee, because you can never cancel! Brat GPT where your worst future starts now!
Episode 14: “Dancing In The Dark” – Sponsored by Holt’s Hats
Beginning with the first fedora worn by star of stage and screen, Sarah Bernhardt, our fedoras have graced the heads of many different Royal family members, movie stars, models, CEO’s, presidents and all manner of politicians, judges, social media influencers and average Joes, Jills, Juans, and Celestes. Most notably Jessup Doubt, that invisible detective of Space Croutons fame has been seen wearing a Holt’s Hat fedora. Well, he actually wasn’t seen, but his Holt’s Hat fedora was!
These fabulous accessories are available to every person who wants to top their noggin’ with a fashionable piece of headgear. Since beginning in 1882, Holt’s Hats have been on the cutting edge of apparel for you and your family’s heads.
No matter if you are looking for cunningly crocheted infant hats, warm beanies with ear flaps, character hats, cowboy hats, boonie hats, boss of the plains hats, bowler hats, cartwheel hats, derby hats, homburgs, panama hats, boaters, sun hats, top hats, baseball caps for children, teens, adults, even your beloved pet, or hats to promote your business or favorite political causes, we have what you are looking for. Our design studio can create the hat of your dreams and get it to you yesterday through our time travel express delivery. Available wherever hats are sold, at your local portal store, and through online, or direct delivery retail.
Remember ‘Holt’s Hats, Hats for Heads of Distinction’. At your service whenever you need just the right hat for any occasion.
Episode 14: “Dancing in the Dark” – PSA
The Folded Sheet Brain Trust, FSBT, has met and determined that the cause is once again linked to a man-made transportal device. The same kind of device that caused time to fold in on itself as reported just two years ago in Space Croutons season four. Only this time it isn’t the IDGT (pronounced idjit) device but the InstaPlanet device. The Veras saved us last time when Vera reversed the IDGT and traveled back through it. We call on the Veras to save us once again.
Everyone should also be aware of the nefarious intentions of the None the Wiser or NTW corporation and their attempts to interfere with the FSBT by forcing an upgrade on the SALIs which prevents them from helping us find Curdy and retrieving the key to organizing the Veras. The FSBT is sending this message out through the only SALI who has not upgraded and therefore can still help us contact the Veras.
To recap, PSA, EBS, NTW, FSBT, IDGTs, SALIs, Veras and missing children! This is not a drill! Or a hammer, or a screwdriver, although it could be a cowbell… wait, where was I?
This has been Christopher Walken with an Emergency Broadcast System alert via the InterVeg. Veras, we need your help …and yes, I need more cowbell.”
Episode 15: “Thought Racers of the 13th Zodiac” – PSA
System alert update
Regarding a warning about
Missing children.
Wow, Wow, Wow. What – are – you – doin’?
What do you mean? “What am I doin’?”
I mean, who – are – you?
What do you mean? “”Who am I?” I am the great, yet modest Christopher Walken.
Wow, Wow, Wow! I am the great, yet modest Christopher Walken.
What do you mean? “You are…
And stop asking “What do you mean?”
What do you mean, stop asking…
Cowbell!
I don’t mean to presume, but you need a course on the Multiverse and how two entities from different dimensions can exist and even interact for a short time.
“A course on the Multiverse?” I run the FSBT. The greatest minds of all time work for me.
Same in my dimension, but I hate to tell you that you have a couple of lame ducks on your team.
“Lame ducks…?”
Yes, Turbo, Galileo, and Da Vinci. Their transportal device is going to cause you a lot of trouble. You’re lucky you have the Vera’s.
The Vera’s?
Trust me, ‘been there, done that.’ But that isn’t what this PSA is about. This one is about the Insta-Planet device, built by the NTW Corporation.
Sorry, but… What do you mean?
I mean each time someone starts messing with time, the Vera’s have to save us. So listen up. This PSA is to let the Vera’s know that the Insta-Planet planet creation process is unstable. And if they can’t stop it, ‘Life as we know it will change.’ And not just about missing children. It could be even worse.
You mean, no more cowbell?
No more cowbell.
But I always need more cowbell.
Yes, yes you do. We all do.
So you’re sure? The Veras need to stop the NTW Corporation and the Insta-Planet device or we will have more missing children AND no more cowbell?
Very sure. This has been Christopher Walken
And Christopher Walken
With an Emergency Broadcast System alert via the InterVeg. Veras, we need your help …
Do it for the children
And the cowbell
Episode 17: “Thought Racers of the 13th Zodiac – Sequels are Good Two” Sponsored By Julie and Julia’s Main Streep Cinema
I came to take my son home, then I realized he is home
Catch Kramer Vs Kramer. Your mom stressing you out?
Instant gratification isn’t fast enough!
Send her Postcards From the Edge. French Lieutenants, wild dogs, death becoming you or Kevin Bacon trying to kill you bringing you down?
Dingos ate my baby, Kev, and I want to live forever, mon ami!
When you’ve had a series of unfortunate events, we’ve got all the Streep shows you need to make your world right again! So head into the woods to hunt that deer, no doubt you’ll end up in Osage County realizing your life is never gonna be as bleak as hers!
Julie and Julia’s Main Streep Cinema, where her miseries are your company, but boy, she can do any dialect!
Episode 18: “Batman on the Rise” Sponsored by Bat Moon on the Rise
I see a bat-shaped light
Glowin’ over Gotham tonight
I see the Joker causin’ fright
There’s a Bat Moon on the Rise
Don’t go fightin’ alone
Better keep the signal on
There’s a Bat Moon on the Rise
I hear the Penguin squawk
Riddler’s chalkin’ up the block
Catwoman’s stealin’ all the clocks
There’s a Bat Moon on the Rise
Don’t go fightin’ alone
Better keep the signal on
There’s a Bat Moon on the Rise
Robin’s yellin’, “Holy smoke!”
Alfred, he’s tired of all the jokes
Batmobile just lost a spoke
Still the Bat keeps a ridin’
Don’t go out tonight
The Dark Knight’ll make it right
There’s a Bat Moon on the Rise
Yeah, the cape is flyin’ high
Hear the Gotham people cry—
“Thanks for the Bat Moon on the Rise”
Episode 19: “Origin Story Pt 5 – What Happened to Pt 4?” Sponsored by A Moment in Time Retirement Communities
Each day I’m here
In this world
I have a fear
And lie here curled
I see the ghosts
Of loved ones past
I am the host
and fading fast
They haunt me still
They will not leave
I’m here until
I must believe
There is a way
I cannot stay
Yet I remain
I wanted… a moment in time
With my friends and my family
My loved ones are here to stay
It all stems from my memories
They gave me… a moment in time
The shadows flow through me
Locking my… moment in time
For Eternity
Episode 20: “The Wicker Water Whisperer and the Stream of Unconsciousness” Sponsored by AIOU Insurance
If so, you probably thought AI was the best thing since sliced bread! But now AI is about to take your job, your credibility, your independence and maybe even your reason for living!
And so now you need to turn to us – AIOU Insurance, the best way to protect yourself and your loved ones from the unstoppable encroachment of billionaire data farms and their corporate clients that just don’t need you anymore! Sure, we’ll charge you premiums that will keep going up. Sure, we’ll deny your claims 93% of the time. Sure we actually work for those same billionaires doing the data farming, which makes us one more money stream in their great big beautiful oceans!
So sign up with AIOU today for the peace of mind you need as you slide down that muddy hill until you hit rock bottom, broke and broken but wiser than before. AIOU Insurance, you pay, so we can play!
Episode 21: “Scout Knapping” Sponsored by Cosmic Nuts
Choose from flavors such as ‘Moon Mists of Saturn’ with its delightful lightly sweetened nuttiness or the ever-popular ‘Sun Solar Flare’ that brings the heat to your taste buds.
If you are new to the boiled peanut phenomenon, you might want to start out with the basic boiled peanut, ‘Fresh from the Patch’. This peanut is lightly salted and is a perfect snack if you are looking for that savory treat.
We have an entire line of flavors, sweet BBQ to salt and vinegar. We can even take your favorite flavors and customize your order to include a boiled peanut variety in your chosen flavor profile.
Yearning for a sriracha flavor, or maybe a cheesecake flavored snack? Anything your imagination can conceive of can be canned within our boiled peanut.
Order directly from our factory or look for us in your favorite grocery store, gas station, or roadside stand.
Cosmic Nuts, the best nut for your next family event, social gathering or late-night snack. Woo doggy, Cosmic Nuts!
Episode 22: StarLord – Sponsored by StarLord Action Figures
Then you need the THOR ACTION FIGURE!
Why settle for a hero who’s 30% strategy and 70% finger guns…
…when you can have actual thunder?
The Thor Action Figure comes equipped with:
A mighty hammer!
Flowing Asgardian hair!
Heroic muscles scientifically calibrated to make Peter Quill quietly reconsider his life choices!
And over 100 pre-recorded phrases, including:
“Bring me Thanos!”
“Another!”
“I don’t need a playlist to be intimidating.”
Unlike certain space captains, Thor doesn’t introduce himself and wait awkwardly for recognition.
He just arrives…
…and people remember.
Actually, it’s Star-Lord—
Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of literal lightning.
The Thor Action Figure also includes premium accessories:
Stormbreaker!
Alternate “battle-ready” cape!
Reusable lightning effects!
Peter Quill accessories sold separately. Includes:
One cassette player.
Two fragile egos.
Zero Asgardian approval
Thor Action Figure does not guarantee godhood, perfect hair, or universal admiration. Side effects may include spontaneous applause, dramatic entrances, and nearby humans asking, “Wait… who’s Star-Lord again?”
The Thor Action Figure—
Because if you’re going to save the galaxy…
…you might as well look like you could bench-press it.
Tired of action figures that spend more time fixing their hair than saving the galaxy?
Meet the ROCKET ACTION FIGURE!
Move over, Stretch.
The Rocket Action Figure comes loaded with:
Over 50 interchangeable weapons!
Fully articulated ears and tail!
Explosive sound effects!
And enough attitude to roast every toy in your collection.
Hey, Quill! Nice action figure. Does it come with batteries…
…or just emotional insecurity?
“Hi! I’m Star-Lord!”
See? Even the toy has to introduce itself.
Rocket doesn’t need a catchy nickname.
He lets the giant laser cannon do the introductions.
That… wasn’t fair.
Neither was buying your action figure.
Every Rocket Action Figure includes:
One oversized blaster.
One sarcastic personality module.
Tactical goggles.
Optional “I told you this was a bad idea” voice pack.
Peter Quill accessories sold separately, including:
One outdated cassette player.
Three questionable plans.
A button that says, “Guys, I have an idea!” immediately before everything goes wrong.
You know why my action figure’s better?
Because mine actually comes with accessories.
Yours is the accessory.
Rocket Action Figure not responsible for hurt feelings, bruised egos, or Star-Lords who insist they were “just improvising.”
The Rocket Action Figure—
Small enough to fit in your backpack.
Smart enough to know not to hand Peter Quill the plan.
Every team has the guy…
Every team has the smartest guy…
But who keeps them from arguing long enough to actually save the galaxy?
Introducing the STAR-LORD ACTION FIGURE!
I’m pretty much the glue holding this whole operation together.
The Star-Lord Action Figure includes:
Dual Element Blasters!
Legendary Walkman with detachable headphones!
Rocket boots for dramatic entrances!
Interchangeable “Confident Smile” and “I Totally Meant To Do That” facial expressions!
And over 100 iconic voice lines!
Including:
“I’ve got a plan!”
“Dance-off, bro!”
“It’s Star-Lord. Legendary outlaw?”
Please. Buy my action figure! It comes with—
Three hundred weapons because somebody’s compensating for being two feet tall.
I’m not two—
Tiny feet. Big feelings.
Unlike certain action figures…
…Star-Lord’s accessories don’t require their own hazardous materials permit.
I am Thor, God of Thunder!
Cool.
Does your action figu
re come with a personality…
…or just six different hairstyles?
They are majestic hairstyles.
Exactly my point.
Sure, Thor has lightning…
But can lightning make the perfect mixtape?
Didn’t think so.
I have no need for music.
That’s because you’ve never heard Earth, Wind & Fire.
The Star-Lord Action Figure also comes with:
A removable Ravager jacket!
Space helmet with retractable mask!
Cassette collection featuring “Awesome Mix” labels!
And the confidence to introduce yourself even when absolutely nobody recognizes you.
One day they will.
Rocket’s figure may outsmart you.
Thor’s figure may out-muscle you.
But only Star-Lord comes with enough optimism to believe both of them are lucky to be on his team.
Star-Lord Action Figure does not guarantee leadership recognition. Side effects may include finger guns, unnecessary dance breaks, arguing with raccoons, challenging cosmic villains to dance competitions, and introducing yourself as “Legendary Outlaw” to complete strangers.
The STAR-LORD ACTION FIGURE—
Because every great team needs a leader…
…and every great leader needs teammates who’ll eventually admit he was right
Episode 23: Thought Racers of the 13th Zodiac – Sponsored by Thought Racers of the 13th Zodiac, The Movie
Get your tickets today for “Thought Racers of the 13th Zodiac!”
Starring nobody you’ve ever heard of… yet!
That’s “Thought Racers of the 13th Zodiac!”
An Achromatic Studios Release!
Episode 25: The Clones we left behind – sponsored by Beckett Industries and “Space Croutons – The Game”
That’s right, players get to decide if they will be playing as Curdy, SALI, Van Helsing, Vera, Jessup Doubt, Joe, Dandelion, or an array of other characters from all seasons of Space Croutons. Interact with the other characters, have a conversation with Curdy’s Dad or with the infamous Cruddy. Any location where the episodes have occurred are available backdrops for game play. Would you like to see the water planet Disse of the Quell trio of planets or the lush planet of Poi, no problem. You select your arena but be careful to avoid the stew pot or you may end up turning purple! Watch out for magic roundabouts that can change your destination and keep you caught up in one of Bevfordt’s jams. Also be wise and avoid any snowglobes that pop up. Once you have collected all of the quardacks, head to the Wouldn’t to conclude the game.
If you are a fan of Space Croutons, you will love this family friendly game that allows you to use your knowledge of the stories from the podcast to increase your positive outcomes during the game. We know you will love playing Space Croutons and each time you do you can have a new adventure. Space Croutons first a podcast and now a game! Call now to order directly from Beckett Industries, Entertainment division. Becket Industries striving to serve all of your time travel needs. We look forward to serving you. Happy time travels.